Polyamorous Choices:  Let’s talk about your new best friend

In spanking groups it’s easy to make friends fast but take time to think. This article reflects an accumulation of memories I have observed in several play groups and parties.

Compared to other spanking groups, SCONY has a certain innocent characteristic to it. The club was created in order to provide a safe landing for novices, therefore, it is not a place for open polyamorous choices. To be clear, I’m_not_talking about playing and having scenes with lots of people at a party or in the community. I’m _not_ referring to friendship different from your private life. Married guests with a vanilla spouse often bring their scene friend. That situation is not my conern. I’m talking about multiple, very tight, closed connections or conversations that _overtly_ cross boundaries of trust which make this light hearted group feel uncomfortable. Behavior or comments that lead people to believe someone is open to more than one intimate partner is not a fit for this group or its chat room. It’s not OK to attend a party with a date while combing the room for vulnerable newbies to coax into your personal web. An informed novice keeps all their options open until they have spent some time in the community.

No single definition of “polyamory” has universal acceptance. However, the “knowledge and consent of all partners concerned” is a defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships. Consent, definition and boundaries have to be discussed by _all_ concerned and not all believers of poly behavior do that. If you are a guest at one of my parties my opinion matters. Without open discussions, without all the facts on the table, jealousy and possessiveness become part of the friendships and bring drama to any scene or party group. I don’t like drama and neither do my guests. First, I am concerned for the inexperienced novice. Second, I do not want poly related confusions played out at my parties or on my website forums. Hitting on new players or conducting extended, private conversations with “Whispers” in chat is a good way to get your name deleted. Open friendliness and fun conversations is all that is welcome in chat. If someone, male or female, has a habit of combing SCONY forums for “fresh meat” I need to know about it.

Polyamorous relationships often breed exclusionary behavior, which is not always productive to making new people feel a part of the larger picture. Most importantly and the reason I’m writing this, is that polyamorous relationships are often manipulated out of novices without their awareness of what’s going on around them. By the time they are cognizant the roller coaster has left the station and they were blindsided by a painful situation.

If you are new you may want to know if your new best friend is married, in another relationship, gay, lesbian, bi, healthy, ployamorous and any other thing that’s important to you. Not that any of these are bad, you just may want to know so you can make your own clear decisions. If your new friend evades the question or lies that tells you all you need to know. Check to see if your new friend has a reputation for certain flaws, such as lying, disingenuousness, manipulation, theatrics, emotional abuse or personality disorders. If someone seems to always be “the victim” but dramas are never far from them, again that tells you something you need to know. To get an honest answer it takes a few good friends who have been around awhile. Even then, they may only know what they over heard and not know anything from real experience.

Take your time, ask questions and research who you are allowing into your life at this very private level. If any player implies some sort of ultimatum to you, that is an alarm. If you are outside a scene and a threat is implied you’re bargaining with something related to blackmail, whether it’s emotional or otherwise, you’re dealing with your privacy, mental health and your right to have fun with the choices you make. If you fear disappointing a player will cause an unpleasant explosion so you “walk on eggshells” to keep peace, it’s time to end it with maturity and strength. If you can’t make your own scene choices then something isn’t right. All of this is supposed to be fun. Good people that need honesty will back you up. People who enjoy all the theater will add to the problem. If you do not tell the truth in your assessment of things that will be found out too so be factual and fair in your dealings with a all players. Stupid people will follow gossip but good friends will support what is balanced and fair. Everybody makes mistakes but those things can be resolved by mature adults. Over time the truth always surfaces and life goes on so do what you can to make clear headed, honest decisions from the beginning.